Tuesday, July 25, 2006
What If My Best Isn't Good Enough?
Dear Guidance Guy,
Many times, I've heard the phrase, "do your best and that's all that matters," (and other variations of that), but what if my best causes someone to make me feel inferior?
I am a straight A honors student going into grade 10, and even though my grades are really good, my father always makes me feel inferior. I once brought home a 98% in socials and I was very proud of myself because socials is my worst subject. All my dad did was look at it and say "you have to do better."
He always says that, "you have to do better." Even though I have told him time after time, this is the best I can do, he continues telling me I have to do better.Just last semester, I accomplished the grade of 100% in my English honors class and I was incrediably proud, obviously. I went home and I told my parents and all my dad said was "you could have done more bonus work."
I realize my dad may be trying to encourage me to do better in some strange way, but I'm doing the best I can do and he doesn't seem to realize that. The one time I didn't get straight A's, I was very mad at myself. I got all B's but I was going through a rough time. My great-grandfather had just died, my friend had commited suicide and another friend was trying to commit suicide. With all that, straight B's doesn't look so bad, does it?
I've tried telling my dad that he's making me feel bad about myself, I've told him I'm trying the best I can, but he doesn't seem to get it. I've even cried (not by choice) when he told me to do better, and that should get through to him because I'm not one to cry very often. I'm sick of my dad hurting my self-esteem, which could use a boost after living with my brothers. I know that he shouldn't be bugging me and it's only my opinion that matters, but my pride is being shattered every time he tells me to do better. I've tried doing everything I can think of, and I just don't know what to do anymore. Any advice?
Signed,
Trying Her Best, But Still Not Good Enough.
*** *** ***
Dear Trying,
If everything you say is true - that you're doing great but your father isn't satisfied, that your self-esteem is in pieces and that you've told him how you feel but nothing is improving - it's time to put some emotional distance between him and you. You don't have to be angry with him. In fact I encourage you not to be angry. It will just get in the way of the emotional recovery you'll have to go through.
Your dad may be trying to encourage you to do better, but there are parts of life much more important than grades. A loving, stable environment that you can build on when you go out into the world is more important for most people than how they did in any class. On some level we all know this, including your father. He either forgot or has some kind of deep hurt himself that is not allowing his love for you to come out.
Which brings me to a question...where is your mother in all of this? Is she part of the family unit? You didn't mention anything about her, so I'm guessing she's not in the picture. This could certainly have something to do with why he has a hard time expressing himself.
But none of that is your responsiblity or your job to heal. Start reading books about self-esteem and self-love. There is a whole big section in bookstores. Some are specifically for teens. My two favorites are Chicken Soup for The Teenage Soul and How To Juggle (and Change Your Life Forever). Of course, I wrote How To Juggle, so I'm a little prejudice!
Surround yourself with positive messages about yourself, whether it's from people, books, audios, videos or anywhere else. Screen out people who put you down, make you feel bad, or want to dump all their troubles on you. I'm a little concerned with the fact that two of your friends are suicidal. What kind of people are you attracting into your life?
This may seem like a lonely journey at first, but I guarantee you there are many other people your age who are looking for fun, self-assured joyous people in their lives. Remind yourself constantly how great you are and these great people will start showing up in your life like magic!
And here's your first reminder...you are a smart, sensitive wonderful young adult who will come out of this strong, confident and happy.
All The Best,
The Guidance Guy
Many times, I've heard the phrase, "do your best and that's all that matters," (and other variations of that), but what if my best causes someone to make me feel inferior?
I am a straight A honors student going into grade 10, and even though my grades are really good, my father always makes me feel inferior. I once brought home a 98% in socials and I was very proud of myself because socials is my worst subject. All my dad did was look at it and say "you have to do better."
He always says that, "you have to do better." Even though I have told him time after time, this is the best I can do, he continues telling me I have to do better.Just last semester, I accomplished the grade of 100% in my English honors class and I was incrediably proud, obviously. I went home and I told my parents and all my dad said was "you could have done more bonus work."
I realize my dad may be trying to encourage me to do better in some strange way, but I'm doing the best I can do and he doesn't seem to realize that. The one time I didn't get straight A's, I was very mad at myself. I got all B's but I was going through a rough time. My great-grandfather had just died, my friend had commited suicide and another friend was trying to commit suicide. With all that, straight B's doesn't look so bad, does it?
I've tried telling my dad that he's making me feel bad about myself, I've told him I'm trying the best I can, but he doesn't seem to get it. I've even cried (not by choice) when he told me to do better, and that should get through to him because I'm not one to cry very often. I'm sick of my dad hurting my self-esteem, which could use a boost after living with my brothers. I know that he shouldn't be bugging me and it's only my opinion that matters, but my pride is being shattered every time he tells me to do better. I've tried doing everything I can think of, and I just don't know what to do anymore. Any advice?
Signed,
Trying Her Best, But Still Not Good Enough.
*** *** ***
Dear Trying,
If everything you say is true - that you're doing great but your father isn't satisfied, that your self-esteem is in pieces and that you've told him how you feel but nothing is improving - it's time to put some emotional distance between him and you. You don't have to be angry with him. In fact I encourage you not to be angry. It will just get in the way of the emotional recovery you'll have to go through.
Your dad may be trying to encourage you to do better, but there are parts of life much more important than grades. A loving, stable environment that you can build on when you go out into the world is more important for most people than how they did in any class. On some level we all know this, including your father. He either forgot or has some kind of deep hurt himself that is not allowing his love for you to come out.
Which brings me to a question...where is your mother in all of this? Is she part of the family unit? You didn't mention anything about her, so I'm guessing she's not in the picture. This could certainly have something to do with why he has a hard time expressing himself.
But none of that is your responsiblity or your job to heal. Start reading books about self-esteem and self-love. There is a whole big section in bookstores. Some are specifically for teens. My two favorites are Chicken Soup for The Teenage Soul and How To Juggle (and Change Your Life Forever). Of course, I wrote How To Juggle, so I'm a little prejudice!
Surround yourself with positive messages about yourself, whether it's from people, books, audios, videos or anywhere else. Screen out people who put you down, make you feel bad, or want to dump all their troubles on you. I'm a little concerned with the fact that two of your friends are suicidal. What kind of people are you attracting into your life?
This may seem like a lonely journey at first, but I guarantee you there are many other people your age who are looking for fun, self-assured joyous people in their lives. Remind yourself constantly how great you are and these great people will start showing up in your life like magic!
And here's your first reminder...you are a smart, sensitive wonderful young adult who will come out of this strong, confident and happy.
All The Best,
The Guidance Guy
