Tuesday, July 11, 2006
Mom is Miserable
Dear Guidance Guy,
First I want to say that I appreciate what you do and find most of your advice quite helpful and hope that you can help me now. This is about my mom. I love my mother very very much, she's a good woman and will do the right thing over the smart thing any day, but that doesn't mean she's a nice person. I want to say that before anything else, because this may look like she's a bad person but she's not, she's just angry.
Summer for me usually means a time grounded to the house by chores and my younger siblings. Every single annoyance and idiosyncrasy seems more unbearable then ever. My mother has a tendency to be very angry at the world for everything. She has a talent for bringing you from a very good mood to a very bad one. She just kind of makes everybody else miserable when she's miserable.
And lately, she's been very miserable. She's had four surgeries this year and that has added stress to her pain because she owns her own business and that means if she doesn't work she doesn't get paid, so ninety percent of the time she ignores the doctor and does silly things like go back to work three days after her surgery. And all through this time she's in pain and very angry. Which is even worse than usual because normally she's angry as opposed to very angry. She is given to frequent outbursts of snarling foul comments for absolutely no reason. I ask her what is wrong and if I can help and she just replies that nothing's wrong.
She'll sometimes start complaining starting with "I hate..." and this could be anything from dogs, screaming babies, lawyers, bad drivers ect. ect. She'll let one tiny little misfortune ruin her entire day. The other day I was going to work with her (five days after she had her gall bladder removed) because she needed help. In this time she was in constant pain and not in a pleasant mood and she said "I'm sorry my pain is making you miserable." I said "No you're not making me miserable, it's okay" (even though it was). And then she replied with "Oh no, I know I am." At this point I didn't want to argue with her and pretend that it wasn't true so I asked if she was going to change it. And she said "Oh no you did not just say that. That was the totally wrong thing to say to me."
She also has a tendency to make us do lots of chores when she's in a bad mood. Today we did our daily chores while she was away, along with a few other things like scrubbing down the bathrooms and vacuuming all the floors. My siblings are not very motivated to help out and a lot of times will do things like, hide baskets of laundry to avoid folding them, fold dirty clothes to avoid washing them and constantly trying to get out of work with the phrase "I'm hungry." I love them too, but trying to make my mother happy by coming home to a clean house is hard especially when I can't trust them to do their jobs or listen to what I ask them to do.
Anyway, today we all finished our jobs and everything was nice. She came home in a pretty good mood. She saw that everything was clean but said nothing. (I assume she saw, but there is no way any person cannot notice the difference between a dirty kitchen and a spotless kitchen) But later on in the night the whirlwind I know as my stepfather came in and destroyed everything which is not out of the ordinary, we'll just get up tomorrow and clean it just like we normally do. But tonight somehow her mood changed and she came tearing into the kitchen firmly stating that we
had not done ANYTHING that day and that she could trust us with NOTHING.
Of course this made me not very happy because all three of us had worked constantly that day to be sure everything was perfect. I told her that and that she knew it whether she took the time to look or not. I should have know that my arguing wasn't going to help. She's been doing these sorts of things ever since we got out of school. It's hard for me, being the oldest.
I have the responsibility of seeing that everything gets done, I have the responsibility of taking care of my siblings when no one else is around and because of these responsibilities and the rush at which they always seem to be falling on me most free time is a void in my life. I am no longer invited any where by my friends because they're so used to me never being able to come. I've tried appeasing her and my siblings, I've tried ignoring them. But they're all driving me crazy.
I have tried everything I know to make bearing this temporary darkness easier from trying to remove myself from the situation to trying to use my housework as an outlet to and trying to replace my anger with commitment. But it's not working and my family and I are starting to fight. If I ignore them I'm being disrespectful, If I respond truthfully voicing my concerns and frustrations then I am also disrespectful.
Please, my mother is a good, wonderful person and in her docile moments she and I have a relationship that my friends envy and wish they had with their mothers. And my mother has gone through a lot in her lifetime to warrant anger so it's not like she's just dissatisfied. But I can't deal with the constant ignoring of my efforts and good aspects and the constant bringing into light of my shortcomings and bad traits. She justifies it by saying that it builds character. I've had about as much character building as I can take. I feel like I live in a household where reward is warranted by nothing and punishment is warranted by everything.
I love my mother and I just want to know how I can get through this without bursting and ending up doing or saying something that will hurt
her anymore. I'm sorry about the length of this and hope it isn't too much trouble to read through.
Thanks for doing what you do,
Person who is too worn out to think of an alias
*** *** ***
Dear Person,
You've described your challenge very eloquently, so I'm going to give you a simple answer. Take this letter you've written, print it out (multiple copies) and show it to her. I don't know of a better way to describe what you're going through than what you've said. Make sure you show it to her when everything's calm, so you have the best chance of reaching past the anger.
As far as how she'll react, that's beyond your control. If she's as great as you say she is (during her docile moments) there's a good chance this will be effect way her deeply. If she's not ready to take responsibilty for how she's treating you and the rest of her family, you have every right to put as much emotional distance between you and her as you need to. If you need to protect yourself, hold an image of her in your heart of a time when she was kind and loving and a great mom. I believe eventually she'll come back to that.
But don't excuse or accept her hostility, or any "reasons" she has for it. We all go through tough times in life, and most of the time our difficulties are caused by something we did or didn't do. We all make choices in life. She can make some now. And so can you.
All The Best,
The Guidance Guy
First I want to say that I appreciate what you do and find most of your advice quite helpful and hope that you can help me now. This is about my mom. I love my mother very very much, she's a good woman and will do the right thing over the smart thing any day, but that doesn't mean she's a nice person. I want to say that before anything else, because this may look like she's a bad person but she's not, she's just angry.
Summer for me usually means a time grounded to the house by chores and my younger siblings. Every single annoyance and idiosyncrasy seems more unbearable then ever. My mother has a tendency to be very angry at the world for everything. She has a talent for bringing you from a very good mood to a very bad one. She just kind of makes everybody else miserable when she's miserable.
And lately, she's been very miserable. She's had four surgeries this year and that has added stress to her pain because she owns her own business and that means if she doesn't work she doesn't get paid, so ninety percent of the time she ignores the doctor and does silly things like go back to work three days after her surgery. And all through this time she's in pain and very angry. Which is even worse than usual because normally she's angry as opposed to very angry. She is given to frequent outbursts of snarling foul comments for absolutely no reason. I ask her what is wrong and if I can help and she just replies that nothing's wrong.
She'll sometimes start complaining starting with "I hate..." and this could be anything from dogs, screaming babies, lawyers, bad drivers ect. ect. She'll let one tiny little misfortune ruin her entire day. The other day I was going to work with her (five days after she had her gall bladder removed) because she needed help. In this time she was in constant pain and not in a pleasant mood and she said "I'm sorry my pain is making you miserable." I said "No you're not making me miserable, it's okay" (even though it was). And then she replied with "Oh no, I know I am." At this point I didn't want to argue with her and pretend that it wasn't true so I asked if she was going to change it. And she said "Oh no you did not just say that. That was the totally wrong thing to say to me."
She also has a tendency to make us do lots of chores when she's in a bad mood. Today we did our daily chores while she was away, along with a few other things like scrubbing down the bathrooms and vacuuming all the floors. My siblings are not very motivated to help out and a lot of times will do things like, hide baskets of laundry to avoid folding them, fold dirty clothes to avoid washing them and constantly trying to get out of work with the phrase "I'm hungry." I love them too, but trying to make my mother happy by coming home to a clean house is hard especially when I can't trust them to do their jobs or listen to what I ask them to do.
Anyway, today we all finished our jobs and everything was nice. She came home in a pretty good mood. She saw that everything was clean but said nothing. (I assume she saw, but there is no way any person cannot notice the difference between a dirty kitchen and a spotless kitchen) But later on in the night the whirlwind I know as my stepfather came in and destroyed everything which is not out of the ordinary, we'll just get up tomorrow and clean it just like we normally do. But tonight somehow her mood changed and she came tearing into the kitchen firmly stating that we
had not done ANYTHING that day and that she could trust us with NOTHING.
Of course this made me not very happy because all three of us had worked constantly that day to be sure everything was perfect. I told her that and that she knew it whether she took the time to look or not. I should have know that my arguing wasn't going to help. She's been doing these sorts of things ever since we got out of school. It's hard for me, being the oldest.
I have the responsibility of seeing that everything gets done, I have the responsibility of taking care of my siblings when no one else is around and because of these responsibilities and the rush at which they always seem to be falling on me most free time is a void in my life. I am no longer invited any where by my friends because they're so used to me never being able to come. I've tried appeasing her and my siblings, I've tried ignoring them. But they're all driving me crazy.
I have tried everything I know to make bearing this temporary darkness easier from trying to remove myself from the situation to trying to use my housework as an outlet to and trying to replace my anger with commitment. But it's not working and my family and I are starting to fight. If I ignore them I'm being disrespectful, If I respond truthfully voicing my concerns and frustrations then I am also disrespectful.
Please, my mother is a good, wonderful person and in her docile moments she and I have a relationship that my friends envy and wish they had with their mothers. And my mother has gone through a lot in her lifetime to warrant anger so it's not like she's just dissatisfied. But I can't deal with the constant ignoring of my efforts and good aspects and the constant bringing into light of my shortcomings and bad traits. She justifies it by saying that it builds character. I've had about as much character building as I can take. I feel like I live in a household where reward is warranted by nothing and punishment is warranted by everything.
I love my mother and I just want to know how I can get through this without bursting and ending up doing or saying something that will hurt
her anymore. I'm sorry about the length of this and hope it isn't too much trouble to read through.
Thanks for doing what you do,
Person who is too worn out to think of an alias
*** *** ***
Dear Person,
You've described your challenge very eloquently, so I'm going to give you a simple answer. Take this letter you've written, print it out (multiple copies) and show it to her. I don't know of a better way to describe what you're going through than what you've said. Make sure you show it to her when everything's calm, so you have the best chance of reaching past the anger.
As far as how she'll react, that's beyond your control. If she's as great as you say she is (during her docile moments) there's a good chance this will be effect way her deeply. If she's not ready to take responsibilty for how she's treating you and the rest of her family, you have every right to put as much emotional distance between you and her as you need to. If you need to protect yourself, hold an image of her in your heart of a time when she was kind and loving and a great mom. I believe eventually she'll come back to that.
But don't excuse or accept her hostility, or any "reasons" she has for it. We all go through tough times in life, and most of the time our difficulties are caused by something we did or didn't do. We all make choices in life. She can make some now. And so can you.
All The Best,
The Guidance Guy
