Thursday, June 22, 2006
Ready To Break Up
Dear Guidance Guy,
I'm 16 and have been with my boyfriend for about four months. The situation I'm facing with him is a prime case of "the chase was better than the catch." I've wanted to break up with him for ages but haven't. He's very sensitive, to the point of being a little paranoid - though to give him credit I haven't exactly made things any easier for him as I began avoiding him a while ago. I didn't want to deal with him at all, but I didn't have the guts to do anything about it.
I know its completely unfair to him, but just thinking about it sends me off the deep end. I'm very, very independent, and I quite honestly prefer my own company to that of most other people. I'm not cold, in fact part of the problem is that I'll throw on a fake smile to keep him from worrying so much, acting like nothing is wrong. I know I'll feel horrible when I put an end to the relationship, he'll be crushed and I'm such a softy that seeing him so upset may even convince me to continue the stupid facade.
My point is, I can't do it anymore; I'm ready to end it, but I don't know exactly when or where, especially now that school is done, which means I'll have to make a date to see him in person. And I have no idea how to approach it either- people have suggested the 'lets just be friends' (that's all I think we really are anyway...), and I'd consider that if not for the fact that I really don't want to be friends. That sounds terrible, but I really have had enough and don't want to spend time with him anymore. I keep hesitating because I can't find it in my heart to hurt him- it's pretty clear he isn't expecting it. Any ideas you may have on how to approach the situation would be greatly appreciated.
Sincerely,
Sympathetic but Annoyed
*****
Dear Sympathetic,
If you're throwing off the kind of signals to him that your letter says, he must be very confused. My guess: if he hasn't said anything to you he either knows in his heart it's over (and is trying to avoid the confrontation) or he is not happy with the relationship either and is keeping a distance. Either way this is something that's not working for you and it's time to move on.
I'm going to challenge you here. I think you're more uncomfortable with the idea of confronting your "boyfriend" than you are about hurting his feelings. This isn't about being a softy - this is about being called on your lack of honesty with him. Don't feel too bad. It's not easy for anyone to say difficult things to someone they've lost interest in, especially at 16. And he isn't picking up any cues - or he is and is trying to ignore them. There's a saying: "it's not paranoid if they're really out to get you."
You don't have to do anything about this. Not commuincating with him is enough to send a signal. You can let the next move be his. If he calls you can deal with it in the moment. When the pressure on you gets turned up enough your real feelings will come out.
You can also write him a letter that lets him know the whole truth...including how you haven't found the courage to tell him in person. I agree that giving him the "just friends" speech is a bad idea. You don't want to be friends, and it might give him hope that isn't really there.
Don't beat yourself up too much. This is all a learning experience. You'll get better at this as you get older. The best thing you can do at this point is to treat him the way you'd want to be treated.
Best of Luck,
The Guidance Guy
I'm 16 and have been with my boyfriend for about four months. The situation I'm facing with him is a prime case of "the chase was better than the catch." I've wanted to break up with him for ages but haven't. He's very sensitive, to the point of being a little paranoid - though to give him credit I haven't exactly made things any easier for him as I began avoiding him a while ago. I didn't want to deal with him at all, but I didn't have the guts to do anything about it.
I know its completely unfair to him, but just thinking about it sends me off the deep end. I'm very, very independent, and I quite honestly prefer my own company to that of most other people. I'm not cold, in fact part of the problem is that I'll throw on a fake smile to keep him from worrying so much, acting like nothing is wrong. I know I'll feel horrible when I put an end to the relationship, he'll be crushed and I'm such a softy that seeing him so upset may even convince me to continue the stupid facade.
My point is, I can't do it anymore; I'm ready to end it, but I don't know exactly when or where, especially now that school is done, which means I'll have to make a date to see him in person. And I have no idea how to approach it either- people have suggested the 'lets just be friends' (that's all I think we really are anyway...), and I'd consider that if not for the fact that I really don't want to be friends. That sounds terrible, but I really have had enough and don't want to spend time with him anymore. I keep hesitating because I can't find it in my heart to hurt him- it's pretty clear he isn't expecting it. Any ideas you may have on how to approach the situation would be greatly appreciated.
Sincerely,
Sympathetic but Annoyed
*****
Dear Sympathetic,
If you're throwing off the kind of signals to him that your letter says, he must be very confused. My guess: if he hasn't said anything to you he either knows in his heart it's over (and is trying to avoid the confrontation) or he is not happy with the relationship either and is keeping a distance. Either way this is something that's not working for you and it's time to move on.
I'm going to challenge you here. I think you're more uncomfortable with the idea of confronting your "boyfriend" than you are about hurting his feelings. This isn't about being a softy - this is about being called on your lack of honesty with him. Don't feel too bad. It's not easy for anyone to say difficult things to someone they've lost interest in, especially at 16. And he isn't picking up any cues - or he is and is trying to ignore them. There's a saying: "it's not paranoid if they're really out to get you."
You don't have to do anything about this. Not commuincating with him is enough to send a signal. You can let the next move be his. If he calls you can deal with it in the moment. When the pressure on you gets turned up enough your real feelings will come out.
You can also write him a letter that lets him know the whole truth...including how you haven't found the courage to tell him in person. I agree that giving him the "just friends" speech is a bad idea. You don't want to be friends, and it might give him hope that isn't really there.
Don't beat yourself up too much. This is all a learning experience. You'll get better at this as you get older. The best thing you can do at this point is to treat him the way you'd want to be treated.
Best of Luck,
The Guidance Guy
