Tuesday, June 13, 2006
Pawn in a Game of Revenge
Dear Guidance Guy,
Hopefully you can help me with this. My parents are divorced. My dad lives in Maryland and comes to visit my sister and I every other weekend. Now my grandmother loathes my father with every ounce of hate humanly possible. Naturally on Mother's Day, we stay with my mother, and on Father's Day, we go with him. Well conveniently my grandmother has planned a vacation for us as soon as school ends. However, she planned it so that we leave on Father's Day.This puts me in a very uncool situation. I tried every compromise imaginable. My dad could take us to Washington DC and my grandmother could get us from their to take us to a resort in the Blue Ridge Mountains. But no. She didn't want to do that. So I suggested us going up with my grandparents and him coming to do something with us there. He didn't want to do that.
Normally, I would have asked my Grandmother if we could delay the trip a day, but she said (She tends to be passive aggressive sometimes) "Well, you don't have to answer this, but it's just something to think about. Have you ever spent a Father's Day with your Grandfather??" So now, I'm going to have to suffer at the hands of one or the other.
I hate this! I feel like it's not so much about doing something with my sisters and I as it is about playing dirty little mind games with each other through me! I wish that somehow I could sit them both down together and say "Look. You don't have to like each other but don't make my life miserable by trying to get back at each other through me!" But that will never happen.
At this point I feel like I'm just a pawn in a game of revenge. Is there any way I can handle this without hurting anyone's feelings or causing trouble for my sister and me?
Thanks,
Pawn in a Game of Revenge
*****
Dear Pawn,
This is a good news/bad news situation. You're dealing with a grandmother who is insensitive at best and manipulative at worst. That's the bad news. Without your saying something I don't think she's going to change what she does. She's aware of what she's doing- the remark about spending time with your grandfather for Father's Day proves it.
That's the bad news. The good news is that you're obviously aware enough of what's going on and articulate enough to respond. This is going to take a little courage on your part, but you have the choice of answering like a young adult and telling her the truth. You don't like being forced into a choice between the your grandparents and your father. I disagree with your statement that you have to suffer at the hands of one or the other. That's a choice you can make - or not make.
You're feeling like a pawn because you haven't tried to act like a queen, or at least a rook. You have more power here than you think. It's obvious both sides love you and want to be with you, even if they're showing it inappropriately. If you and your sister get to choose who you go with, then choose! The last thing you should worry about is hurting someone's feelings. You've been put in a position where your feelings are being hurt. If possible, you can even choose to go with neither.
If your father and your grandparents start to see you as the young adult you are, they will treat you with the respect you deserve. If you don't assert yourself, how can they see you as anything other than a pawn?
And if you need anymore motivation, your sister is getting hurt in all of this too. Here is your opportunity to be a role model for her and show her that a gentle loving person like yourself can be tough when she has to be.
Best of Luck,
The Guidance Guy
Hopefully you can help me with this. My parents are divorced. My dad lives in Maryland and comes to visit my sister and I every other weekend. Now my grandmother loathes my father with every ounce of hate humanly possible. Naturally on Mother's Day, we stay with my mother, and on Father's Day, we go with him. Well conveniently my grandmother has planned a vacation for us as soon as school ends. However, she planned it so that we leave on Father's Day.This puts me in a very uncool situation. I tried every compromise imaginable. My dad could take us to Washington DC and my grandmother could get us from their to take us to a resort in the Blue Ridge Mountains. But no. She didn't want to do that. So I suggested us going up with my grandparents and him coming to do something with us there. He didn't want to do that.
Normally, I would have asked my Grandmother if we could delay the trip a day, but she said (She tends to be passive aggressive sometimes) "Well, you don't have to answer this, but it's just something to think about. Have you ever spent a Father's Day with your Grandfather??" So now, I'm going to have to suffer at the hands of one or the other.
I hate this! I feel like it's not so much about doing something with my sisters and I as it is about playing dirty little mind games with each other through me! I wish that somehow I could sit them both down together and say "Look. You don't have to like each other but don't make my life miserable by trying to get back at each other through me!" But that will never happen.
At this point I feel like I'm just a pawn in a game of revenge. Is there any way I can handle this without hurting anyone's feelings or causing trouble for my sister and me?
Thanks,
Pawn in a Game of Revenge
*****
Dear Pawn,
This is a good news/bad news situation. You're dealing with a grandmother who is insensitive at best and manipulative at worst. That's the bad news. Without your saying something I don't think she's going to change what she does. She's aware of what she's doing- the remark about spending time with your grandfather for Father's Day proves it.
That's the bad news. The good news is that you're obviously aware enough of what's going on and articulate enough to respond. This is going to take a little courage on your part, but you have the choice of answering like a young adult and telling her the truth. You don't like being forced into a choice between the your grandparents and your father. I disagree with your statement that you have to suffer at the hands of one or the other. That's a choice you can make - or not make.
You're feeling like a pawn because you haven't tried to act like a queen, or at least a rook. You have more power here than you think. It's obvious both sides love you and want to be with you, even if they're showing it inappropriately. If you and your sister get to choose who you go with, then choose! The last thing you should worry about is hurting someone's feelings. You've been put in a position where your feelings are being hurt. If possible, you can even choose to go with neither.
If your father and your grandparents start to see you as the young adult you are, they will treat you with the respect you deserve. If you don't assert yourself, how can they see you as anything other than a pawn?
And if you need anymore motivation, your sister is getting hurt in all of this too. Here is your opportunity to be a role model for her and show her that a gentle loving person like yourself can be tough when she has to be.
Best of Luck,
The Guidance Guy
