Tuesday, April 18, 2006
Not Beautiful Enough
Dear Guidance Guy,
I have a sweet, athletic, cute, mature, funny boyfriend whom I adore. The thing is, I have "things" for other guys. I don't have much self confidence. I worry about my weight, what people are thinking, what people say about me and why I don't fit in.
I do fit in though. I have tons of friends and I am considered popular at my school. I don't "feel" like I fit in. All my friends are beautiful, funny, smart, and sweet people. People say I am beautiful. My friends say I am the prettiest of our group. I have NEVER felt beautiful. I make lots of people laugh, but I am always scared that what I say won't be funny and everyone will think I'm weird. I make straight A's and I am considered the top of my class. I say so many stupid things though and I have little common sense. I always feel stupid. I am not nice. My friends say that I am so sweet, but the truth is, I am jealous of everyone. I make up things about people in my head. It makes me feel better, then again, It make me feel evil.
Okay, so tons of boys flirt with me, and I love the attention I get from them. It makes me feel beautiful and desired. Robbie always laughs at my jokes, Harry always challenges me (which attracts me), Chris is such a bad boy, John compliments myclothes and how I look in them. I just love the attention!
I feel as though I am unfaithful to Kyle. I feel ugly and evil. You can never love someone until you love yourself. I believe in those words.
Should I end it with Kyle so I can learn to love myself? Is that too selfish?
Please help,
Not Beautiful Enough
*****
Dear Not Beautiful Enough,
The worries you have about yourself are natural and normal for a young adult. Your body, brain and emotions are all changing...often at the same time. And the fact that you know these things about yourself is good. Being aware of your negative self-talk is a good start on changing it.
It's interesting you say your friends think you are pretty. Some of the most attractive people I know are 100 pounds overweight and some of the ugliest are people who look good to the outside world. What's true is that MOST people who love (and like) themselves take good care of themselves, including their bodies and brains. There's nothing wrong with enjoying attention from other people.
Here's a thought - if you feel guilty about the way you think of others, and feel bad about yourself in the process, do something nice for someone who isn't popular or fortunate. A kind word to someone not in the popular clique is a good start. You can think about doing a community service project and bringing some of the beautiful people along with you. That's a great start on feeling better about yourself!
As far as your quesiton about Kyle, you should end it if you don't enjoy being with him. And he should end it with you if he doesn't enjoy your company. Everyone grows, even old folks! If we waited until we were emotionally mature and ready to give our best, there would be very few relationships, not to mention marriages. Keep growing and learning from your mistakes. There's no need to break up if you're happy with him.
BUT...something tells me you're interested in being free to explore other relationships, but that's for you to decide.
Good luck sorting things out,
The Guidance Guy
I have a sweet, athletic, cute, mature, funny boyfriend whom I adore. The thing is, I have "things" for other guys. I don't have much self confidence. I worry about my weight, what people are thinking, what people say about me and why I don't fit in.
I do fit in though. I have tons of friends and I am considered popular at my school. I don't "feel" like I fit in. All my friends are beautiful, funny, smart, and sweet people. People say I am beautiful. My friends say I am the prettiest of our group. I have NEVER felt beautiful. I make lots of people laugh, but I am always scared that what I say won't be funny and everyone will think I'm weird. I make straight A's and I am considered the top of my class. I say so many stupid things though and I have little common sense. I always feel stupid. I am not nice. My friends say that I am so sweet, but the truth is, I am jealous of everyone. I make up things about people in my head. It makes me feel better, then again, It make me feel evil.
Okay, so tons of boys flirt with me, and I love the attention I get from them. It makes me feel beautiful and desired. Robbie always laughs at my jokes, Harry always challenges me (which attracts me), Chris is such a bad boy, John compliments myclothes and how I look in them. I just love the attention!
I feel as though I am unfaithful to Kyle. I feel ugly and evil. You can never love someone until you love yourself. I believe in those words.
Should I end it with Kyle so I can learn to love myself? Is that too selfish?
Please help,
Not Beautiful Enough
*****
Dear Not Beautiful Enough,
The worries you have about yourself are natural and normal for a young adult. Your body, brain and emotions are all changing...often at the same time. And the fact that you know these things about yourself is good. Being aware of your negative self-talk is a good start on changing it.
It's interesting you say your friends think you are pretty. Some of the most attractive people I know are 100 pounds overweight and some of the ugliest are people who look good to the outside world. What's true is that MOST people who love (and like) themselves take good care of themselves, including their bodies and brains. There's nothing wrong with enjoying attention from other people.
Here's a thought - if you feel guilty about the way you think of others, and feel bad about yourself in the process, do something nice for someone who isn't popular or fortunate. A kind word to someone not in the popular clique is a good start. You can think about doing a community service project and bringing some of the beautiful people along with you. That's a great start on feeling better about yourself!
As far as your quesiton about Kyle, you should end it if you don't enjoy being with him. And he should end it with you if he doesn't enjoy your company. Everyone grows, even old folks! If we waited until we were emotionally mature and ready to give our best, there would be very few relationships, not to mention marriages. Keep growing and learning from your mistakes. There's no need to break up if you're happy with him.
BUT...something tells me you're interested in being free to explore other relationships, but that's for you to decide.
Good luck sorting things out,
The Guidance Guy
