Friday, March 24, 2006
Stepping In Too Far
Dear Guidance Guy,
My best friend was obsessed with this guy James for a bit. He had recently had surgery and we had gone to see him. He ignored her completely and flirted with these two other girls that were there to see an old woman next to his bed.
According to my best friend, Kim, they are like "OH MY GOD I LOVE YOU" on the computer. She had no idea why he would act that way. So, later that night when he was online, I told it to him straight: "Kim is my best friend and you disrespected her greatly. She came to see you when no one else would, and you tossed her aside. I'm sorry I have to be rude to you but you were rude to her." He apologized and said he didn't realize what he was doing. He also apologized to Kim.
That's all good and dandy, but Kim wouldn't talk to me for three days. When she finally got over it, she had a new best friend named Devin. Who I have never even met. Apparently, they do everything together now. Kim never calls me anymore, so when I call her, she is on the phone
with Devin. She says she'll call me back later. But she never does.
I feel so lost and alone without my best friend. It feels like losing a sister. What do I do? Get over it like she did? Or wait it out? Help?
Sincerely,
Confused and Alone
*****
Dear Confused and Alone,
The reason why Kim is upset and not talking to you is because she's embarrassed. You saw that her feelings were hurt by the way James treated her, but you didn't let her handle herself. She may have decided to tell him herself, or she may have decided to drop it. Either way, it was her choice to make, not yours.
When you decided to step in, not only was she embarrassed because of the incident, she now feels like her friends are fighting her battles for her. It will be much more difficult for James to respect her. Put yourself in her place and I think you'll understand.
You were a good friend for wanting to defend her, but you made a mistake by jumping in where you didn't belong. And like anyone else who makes a mistake, the best thing to do is apologize. Let her know you understand why she's upset and that you promise to respect her right to stand up for herself, or NOT to stand up for herself. She may accept your apology right away or it may take a while. Or she may decide not to accept it. No matter what, you'll have done the right thing and can go forward knowing you did your best.
Hope things work out,
The Guidance Guy
My best friend was obsessed with this guy James for a bit. He had recently had surgery and we had gone to see him. He ignored her completely and flirted with these two other girls that were there to see an old woman next to his bed.
According to my best friend, Kim, they are like "OH MY GOD I LOVE YOU" on the computer. She had no idea why he would act that way. So, later that night when he was online, I told it to him straight: "Kim is my best friend and you disrespected her greatly. She came to see you when no one else would, and you tossed her aside. I'm sorry I have to be rude to you but you were rude to her." He apologized and said he didn't realize what he was doing. He also apologized to Kim.
That's all good and dandy, but Kim wouldn't talk to me for three days. When she finally got over it, she had a new best friend named Devin. Who I have never even met. Apparently, they do everything together now. Kim never calls me anymore, so when I call her, she is on the phone
with Devin. She says she'll call me back later. But she never does.
I feel so lost and alone without my best friend. It feels like losing a sister. What do I do? Get over it like she did? Or wait it out? Help?
Sincerely,
Confused and Alone
*****
Dear Confused and Alone,
The reason why Kim is upset and not talking to you is because she's embarrassed. You saw that her feelings were hurt by the way James treated her, but you didn't let her handle herself. She may have decided to tell him herself, or she may have decided to drop it. Either way, it was her choice to make, not yours.
When you decided to step in, not only was she embarrassed because of the incident, she now feels like her friends are fighting her battles for her. It will be much more difficult for James to respect her. Put yourself in her place and I think you'll understand.
You were a good friend for wanting to defend her, but you made a mistake by jumping in where you didn't belong. And like anyone else who makes a mistake, the best thing to do is apologize. Let her know you understand why she's upset and that you promise to respect her right to stand up for herself, or NOT to stand up for herself. She may accept your apology right away or it may take a while. Or she may decide not to accept it. No matter what, you'll have done the right thing and can go forward knowing you did your best.
Hope things work out,
The Guidance Guy
