Sunday, February 19, 2006
Emtional Hole
Hi Guidance Guy,
My best friend and I used to be tighter than sisters. We would always look out for each other and be there for each other until this year when she started to critcize everything about me. The way I talked, acted, my outlook on life. She would always say that I was being negative and I didn't know how to have fun when the truth was that I just didn't get off on the same silly things she did. And if I thought something about one thing she would think the opposite and berate me about it untilI admitted that my opinion was "wrong." Sometimes, she would make sarcastic comments about things like my intelligence or my personality.
All of the other people in our little clique started saying the same things. So I started to change. I tried to be more perky, talk more elequently, laugh at things I didn't think were funny. And kept my mouth shut if I didn't have anything happy to say. All the way until the point where I didn't even feel like me anymore. I stopped talking to her about any problems I might have been having. Then she got upset because I "just didn't talk anymore."
One day when she started doing all these things to me, I just sort of went off. I told her that the things she'd been doing had hurt me. I also tried to point out how hard I'd been working to not upset her. We got into a fight and ended our friendship. After that I started getting mean emails from our friends, who obviously weren't going to be friends with me anymore. I just politely told them that this was between me and her and didn't involve them. Then when they kept on emailing I just blocked them. Then all the friends I had just left me. I had been stupid enough to alienate everyone of my friends who hadn't been in this little clique so now I had no one.
I didn't go to pick a fight with my ex-friend despite my anger. I just went on to try to make new friends and rekindle old friendships and for a time, it would work. Until all of a sudden, I would start seeing them with my ex-friend. Just one time would I see them together, and then all of a sudden they wouldn't want to keep hanging out with me.
Now I'm pretty much alone. My grades are dropping and I can't even walk by one of my old friends without feeling a strong urge to punch them. My mom says that the best revenge is to live well, but I don't feel well. I feel alone. And hurt. How do I get out of this emotional hole?
Ms. Scarlett
*****
Dear Ms. Scarlett,
What you are writing is proof that as wonderful and lively as high school friendships can be, they can also turn very mean-spirited. I'm sorry you're experiencing such a heavy dose of this all at once. You have the "perfect storm" of a manipulative young lady with friends who are easily led around.
And to make it worse, you pretended to be someone you aren't for quite a while. So you lost your sense of who you are and became resentful because you don't have anyone around you who likes you for who you really are. You forgot to be that person!
Your mom is absolutely correct. Living well is the best revenge. Of course it's not revenge, since (as you're finding out) holding a grudge just makes you more miserable.
Now, here's the good news...you have learned something that most people don't get until way into their adult years, and many never get. The ONLY way to be happy is to be yourself. Trying to act a certain way to please someone else makes you a slave to what they want. You wind up angry and them and angrier at yourself for becoming a victim.
The way you get out of your emotional hole is to recognize and applaud yourself for getting yourself out of a bad situation with grace and self-respect. The way you handled the situation was perfect. For now, you will need to be your own best friend since you're in a school environment and everyone knows everyone else. At some point in the near future you will be in a different place (college, work, summer friends, etc.) where new people will see you for who you really are. You will get to be your true self with no baggage from your past. And maybe some of the people you know now - some who have never been friends or enemies - will become friends.
For what it's worth, you seem like a bright, honorable and congruent young woman (look up the word in the dictionary if you don't know it). If I were in your social circle, I'd be thrilled to have you for a friend. Keep being yourself and before long the right people will show up in your life.
All The Best,
The Guidance Guy
My best friend and I used to be tighter than sisters. We would always look out for each other and be there for each other until this year when she started to critcize everything about me. The way I talked, acted, my outlook on life. She would always say that I was being negative and I didn't know how to have fun when the truth was that I just didn't get off on the same silly things she did. And if I thought something about one thing she would think the opposite and berate me about it untilI admitted that my opinion was "wrong." Sometimes, she would make sarcastic comments about things like my intelligence or my personality.
All of the other people in our little clique started saying the same things. So I started to change. I tried to be more perky, talk more elequently, laugh at things I didn't think were funny. And kept my mouth shut if I didn't have anything happy to say. All the way until the point where I didn't even feel like me anymore. I stopped talking to her about any problems I might have been having. Then she got upset because I "just didn't talk anymore."
One day when she started doing all these things to me, I just sort of went off. I told her that the things she'd been doing had hurt me. I also tried to point out how hard I'd been working to not upset her. We got into a fight and ended our friendship. After that I started getting mean emails from our friends, who obviously weren't going to be friends with me anymore. I just politely told them that this was between me and her and didn't involve them. Then when they kept on emailing I just blocked them. Then all the friends I had just left me. I had been stupid enough to alienate everyone of my friends who hadn't been in this little clique so now I had no one.
I didn't go to pick a fight with my ex-friend despite my anger. I just went on to try to make new friends and rekindle old friendships and for a time, it would work. Until all of a sudden, I would start seeing them with my ex-friend. Just one time would I see them together, and then all of a sudden they wouldn't want to keep hanging out with me.
Now I'm pretty much alone. My grades are dropping and I can't even walk by one of my old friends without feeling a strong urge to punch them. My mom says that the best revenge is to live well, but I don't feel well. I feel alone. And hurt. How do I get out of this emotional hole?
Ms. Scarlett
*****
Dear Ms. Scarlett,
What you are writing is proof that as wonderful and lively as high school friendships can be, they can also turn very mean-spirited. I'm sorry you're experiencing such a heavy dose of this all at once. You have the "perfect storm" of a manipulative young lady with friends who are easily led around.
And to make it worse, you pretended to be someone you aren't for quite a while. So you lost your sense of who you are and became resentful because you don't have anyone around you who likes you for who you really are. You forgot to be that person!
Your mom is absolutely correct. Living well is the best revenge. Of course it's not revenge, since (as you're finding out) holding a grudge just makes you more miserable.
Now, here's the good news...you have learned something that most people don't get until way into their adult years, and many never get. The ONLY way to be happy is to be yourself. Trying to act a certain way to please someone else makes you a slave to what they want. You wind up angry and them and angrier at yourself for becoming a victim.
The way you get out of your emotional hole is to recognize and applaud yourself for getting yourself out of a bad situation with grace and self-respect. The way you handled the situation was perfect. For now, you will need to be your own best friend since you're in a school environment and everyone knows everyone else. At some point in the near future you will be in a different place (college, work, summer friends, etc.) where new people will see you for who you really are. You will get to be your true self with no baggage from your past. And maybe some of the people you know now - some who have never been friends or enemies - will become friends.
For what it's worth, you seem like a bright, honorable and congruent young woman (look up the word in the dictionary if you don't know it). If I were in your social circle, I'd be thrilled to have you for a friend. Keep being yourself and before long the right people will show up in your life.
All The Best,
The Guidance Guy
