Monday, December 19, 2005
Divorcing Parents
Dear Guidance Guy,
I'm in 9th grade and my problem isn't about school. It's about home. My parents are going through a divorce and it's driving me crazy. They used to fight all the time but my father moved out. So now it's just weird. It's almost like no one says anything. My mother doesn't talk much to me or my brother. My grades used to be good but now all I can think about is what's going on at home. I just want to cry all the time but I don't usually cry at school.
How do I get my head on straight? I want to be normal again. I don't want to walk around scared and worried all the time. But I don't know who to talk to or what to do. Can you help me?
Sincerely,
Scared to Death
*****
Dear Scared,
Before I tell you what I think, please realize that the feelings you have are completely normal. It looks like your world was turned upside down and you are trying to find your balance. I admire you for being able to write what's on your mind so well. Many kids your age don't know how to put their feelings into words. It's a good sign, because people who can talk (or write) things out often have an easier time dealing with their hurt.
Have you tried talking with your guidance counselor? Many schools have special groups for kids who are going through some kind of loss. Divorce, death and family illness are big problems for anyone, especially younger teens. If your school doesn't have one, maybe your town's youth department does. Your school social worker or psychologist may be able to help as well.
It looks like your mom is dealing with the family issues by not dealing with them. That doesn't seem helpful to you or your brother right now, but she may not be ready to do anything else. Even when parents divorce as friends, it's a very big change for them. I bet it's hard on your father as well.
Let your mother know how you feel. If she's not willing to talk right now you can try writing her a note. Be clear about what you want and need, and let her know you are there for her. She may need someone to talk with as well.
Do your teachers know what's going on? It's OK to let them know you're having a tough time and may need some extra help with your school work. If you can set aside a certain time of day and a certain place where ALL you think about is your school work, you might find it easier to concentrate. This structure in your life will become very important, especially since the structure you had was taken away.
This isn't easy stuff. I know it's painful. But like every other hurt we have, this one gets better with time. You will find a way to appreciate both parents, even if they aren't together. Just keep expressing how you feel and look for the people who can help. I'm glad I was one of them!
All The Best,
The Guidance Guy
I'm in 9th grade and my problem isn't about school. It's about home. My parents are going through a divorce and it's driving me crazy. They used to fight all the time but my father moved out. So now it's just weird. It's almost like no one says anything. My mother doesn't talk much to me or my brother. My grades used to be good but now all I can think about is what's going on at home. I just want to cry all the time but I don't usually cry at school.
How do I get my head on straight? I want to be normal again. I don't want to walk around scared and worried all the time. But I don't know who to talk to or what to do. Can you help me?
Sincerely,
Scared to Death
*****
Dear Scared,
Before I tell you what I think, please realize that the feelings you have are completely normal. It looks like your world was turned upside down and you are trying to find your balance. I admire you for being able to write what's on your mind so well. Many kids your age don't know how to put their feelings into words. It's a good sign, because people who can talk (or write) things out often have an easier time dealing with their hurt.
Have you tried talking with your guidance counselor? Many schools have special groups for kids who are going through some kind of loss. Divorce, death and family illness are big problems for anyone, especially younger teens. If your school doesn't have one, maybe your town's youth department does. Your school social worker or psychologist may be able to help as well.
It looks like your mom is dealing with the family issues by not dealing with them. That doesn't seem helpful to you or your brother right now, but she may not be ready to do anything else. Even when parents divorce as friends, it's a very big change for them. I bet it's hard on your father as well.
Let your mother know how you feel. If she's not willing to talk right now you can try writing her a note. Be clear about what you want and need, and let her know you are there for her. She may need someone to talk with as well.
Do your teachers know what's going on? It's OK to let them know you're having a tough time and may need some extra help with your school work. If you can set aside a certain time of day and a certain place where ALL you think about is your school work, you might find it easier to concentrate. This structure in your life will become very important, especially since the structure you had was taken away.
This isn't easy stuff. I know it's painful. But like every other hurt we have, this one gets better with time. You will find a way to appreciate both parents, even if they aren't together. Just keep expressing how you feel and look for the people who can help. I'm glad I was one of them!
All The Best,
The Guidance Guy
