Saturday, December 03, 2005
A Deal With My Daughter
Dear Guidance Guy,
My daughter is a freshman in high school. She has been having a tough time in her personal life. I took her to see a counselor outside of school. She's a great kid. She doesn't do anything dangerous but she doesn't do much in school either. She failed most of her classes for the first quarter.
Things have been getting a little better in the past few weeks. The counselor suggested we make a deal. I wouldn't nag her about homework for two weeks and she would do all of her homework without being reminded. It sounds like a good idea. I want to trust my daughter, but I'm scared.
I would like to check with her guidance counselor to see if she's really doing her homework without letting her know. This way I'll know without breaking our deal. Is this a good idea?
Thanks,
Nervous Mom
*****
Dear Nervous,
No, no, no. Please do not do this. I don't know what the circumstances were that got her needing counseling outside of school, but I can tell you what you're thinking about doing would be a disaster.
You made a deal with your daugther that she would take responsibility for herself. That's a much more important issue than any homework that may or may not do in the next two weeks. If you violate that deal - even if she doesn't find out about it (which, by the way, will be very difficult to cover up) that trust may be gone forever.
Think about it. If this works out well, your daughter will being doing better in school and you and her will have built a better relationship. She'll be willing to talk to you about the important stuff. And if she doesn't hold up her end of the deal you can do what you need to do with a clear conscience.
Your daughter may or may not do her work in the next two weeks. But the risk is worth taking. Please teach her to honor her commitments by honoring your own.
Best of Luck,
The Guidance Guy
My daughter is a freshman in high school. She has been having a tough time in her personal life. I took her to see a counselor outside of school. She's a great kid. She doesn't do anything dangerous but she doesn't do much in school either. She failed most of her classes for the first quarter.
Things have been getting a little better in the past few weeks. The counselor suggested we make a deal. I wouldn't nag her about homework for two weeks and she would do all of her homework without being reminded. It sounds like a good idea. I want to trust my daughter, but I'm scared.
I would like to check with her guidance counselor to see if she's really doing her homework without letting her know. This way I'll know without breaking our deal. Is this a good idea?
Thanks,
Nervous Mom
*****
Dear Nervous,
No, no, no. Please do not do this. I don't know what the circumstances were that got her needing counseling outside of school, but I can tell you what you're thinking about doing would be a disaster.
You made a deal with your daugther that she would take responsibility for herself. That's a much more important issue than any homework that may or may not do in the next two weeks. If you violate that deal - even if she doesn't find out about it (which, by the way, will be very difficult to cover up) that trust may be gone forever.
Think about it. If this works out well, your daughter will being doing better in school and you and her will have built a better relationship. She'll be willing to talk to you about the important stuff. And if she doesn't hold up her end of the deal you can do what you need to do with a clear conscience.
Your daughter may or may not do her work in the next two weeks. But the risk is worth taking. Please teach her to honor her commitments by honoring your own.
Best of Luck,
The Guidance Guy
