Saturday, December 31, 2005
A Biting Problem
Dear Guidance Guy,
I'm very disheartened with my child's Catholic school so far, here's why. I am a mother of four very active boys, ages 5, 4, 3 and 14 months. My 3 yr old is in a 2 year program, (he just turned 3). For a while now, he has been biting mostly this one girl, (who bites him back everytime). Not very hard, seems to be more out of frustration, he doesnt speak that clearly yet. (Please note that he doesn't bite at home.) Everytime I pick him up the teacher says that "he bit Cat today", "or he was very aggressive today".
Now, I am all over all my boys to play nice and not rough, and I talk to my 3 yr old EVERYDAY about the biting which obviously cannot be allowed, BUT this is how they handled the situation. The teacher called me one day in the middle of class to be picked up immediately, he bit Cat again. (I called her mother who I'm friendly with. Cat was fine, tiny red mark).
The teacher called a meeting and the vice principal was there. Basically they told me that he wasn't allowed back until he stopped biting. I told them he doesn't bite at home, how were we to tell? I then asked what the teacher was doing after he bit? I assumed he was being given some sort of a "time out", or some negative attention. The teacher said she was taking him away from the other kids, (there are 5 kids and 2 teachers), and giving him a puzzle, because he likes and is very good at them. I was floored. They want to kick my son out of school, yet they have done nothing to help himthrough this transition stage of school, which is learning to socialize, separate from parents, and going from parallel play to learning to share and play with others.
I asked that they let him stay and give him a stern time out when it happens and I will only reward him if he doesn't bite when I pick him up from school with a treat. They said they would try this, but if he bites again he cannot go back. I am apalled at the lack of tolerence to something that is typically a very common 2 year old phase, because they don't want to be the bad guys and have him not like school. (The teacher said this in not so many words.)
Chances are he's going to do it again, maybe more than once until he get's the proper discipline for it. And, being that he doesn't bite at home, I don't have a lot of reinforcement. I do however
talk to him constantly about it. Here's also why I am so mad:
* The assistant principal who we had the meeting with was my 4th grade teacher, (I went to the same school and so did my sister and brother, all of whom she knows).
* I am paying a ton of money for this 2 year program.
* I have 2 boys in the school and soon to be 4 as of next year (even more $).
* I am most mad because of their attitude of no tolerence. I expected their attitude to be "OK, there is a problem, lets deal with it together." Instead, it is "OK, there is a problem now he must leave."
HELP!!! I don't know what to do??? Am I overacting, or should I be researching other Catholic schools? Please let me know!!!
Sincerely,
Fran F.
*****
Dear Fran,
Of course it is obvious to you and me and everyone else not directly involved with this situation that your son continues to bite because he's being rewarded for it (biting = more attention and a cool puzzle). It also seems like you've done your best to explain that to his teacher and staff. If you haven't, please give it another shot when everyone has cooled down a bit (and your son isn't on the premises).
One thing you can try is to write up a specific behavioral plan. You seem like you have the ability to do this. A plan that takes into account the probability that he will bite again might help them feel a bit better. You are right on target when you say that a time-out will give him an incentive not to bite.
The question may be how effective this teacher would be in implementing this plan. Do you have a day you can take off to help? This could do several things. It can convey to the school how serious you are about the situation (which may mellow them out a bit). It can also let you see how things actually work when you're not around, including how effective his teachers are. And finally, you would be the one implementing the plan for that first day, so you can role model for his teachers the best way to handle your little man!
The school is looking to protect their own interests by removing potential safety violators (and potential lawsuits and insurance premium raisers). So while your frustration is understandable, their reaction is kind of predictable, if a little heavy-handed.
Ask yourself if you want your son to be taught by teachers who seem to have a poor grip on Child Development 101. If they aren't willing to work with you, it may be the right time to look elsewhere. If they are, it's a "win-win" situation. The school takes a big step forward in how they handle kids, you get to avoid the hassle of looking for a new place and your little biter becomes a former biter!
Good Luck,
The Guidance Guy
I'm very disheartened with my child's Catholic school so far, here's why. I am a mother of four very active boys, ages 5, 4, 3 and 14 months. My 3 yr old is in a 2 year program, (he just turned 3). For a while now, he has been biting mostly this one girl, (who bites him back everytime). Not very hard, seems to be more out of frustration, he doesnt speak that clearly yet. (Please note that he doesn't bite at home.) Everytime I pick him up the teacher says that "he bit Cat today", "or he was very aggressive today".
Now, I am all over all my boys to play nice and not rough, and I talk to my 3 yr old EVERYDAY about the biting which obviously cannot be allowed, BUT this is how they handled the situation. The teacher called me one day in the middle of class to be picked up immediately, he bit Cat again. (I called her mother who I'm friendly with. Cat was fine, tiny red mark).
The teacher called a meeting and the vice principal was there. Basically they told me that he wasn't allowed back until he stopped biting. I told them he doesn't bite at home, how were we to tell? I then asked what the teacher was doing after he bit? I assumed he was being given some sort of a "time out", or some negative attention. The teacher said she was taking him away from the other kids, (there are 5 kids and 2 teachers), and giving him a puzzle, because he likes and is very good at them. I was floored. They want to kick my son out of school, yet they have done nothing to help himthrough this transition stage of school, which is learning to socialize, separate from parents, and going from parallel play to learning to share and play with others.
I asked that they let him stay and give him a stern time out when it happens and I will only reward him if he doesn't bite when I pick him up from school with a treat. They said they would try this, but if he bites again he cannot go back. I am apalled at the lack of tolerence to something that is typically a very common 2 year old phase, because they don't want to be the bad guys and have him not like school. (The teacher said this in not so many words.)
Chances are he's going to do it again, maybe more than once until he get's the proper discipline for it. And, being that he doesn't bite at home, I don't have a lot of reinforcement. I do however
talk to him constantly about it. Here's also why I am so mad:
* The assistant principal who we had the meeting with was my 4th grade teacher, (I went to the same school and so did my sister and brother, all of whom she knows).
* I am paying a ton of money for this 2 year program.
* I have 2 boys in the school and soon to be 4 as of next year (even more $).
* I am most mad because of their attitude of no tolerence. I expected their attitude to be "OK, there is a problem, lets deal with it together." Instead, it is "OK, there is a problem now he must leave."
HELP!!! I don't know what to do??? Am I overacting, or should I be researching other Catholic schools? Please let me know!!!
Sincerely,
Fran F.
*****
Dear Fran,
Of course it is obvious to you and me and everyone else not directly involved with this situation that your son continues to bite because he's being rewarded for it (biting = more attention and a cool puzzle). It also seems like you've done your best to explain that to his teacher and staff. If you haven't, please give it another shot when everyone has cooled down a bit (and your son isn't on the premises).
One thing you can try is to write up a specific behavioral plan. You seem like you have the ability to do this. A plan that takes into account the probability that he will bite again might help them feel a bit better. You are right on target when you say that a time-out will give him an incentive not to bite.
The question may be how effective this teacher would be in implementing this plan. Do you have a day you can take off to help? This could do several things. It can convey to the school how serious you are about the situation (which may mellow them out a bit). It can also let you see how things actually work when you're not around, including how effective his teachers are. And finally, you would be the one implementing the plan for that first day, so you can role model for his teachers the best way to handle your little man!
The school is looking to protect their own interests by removing potential safety violators (and potential lawsuits and insurance premium raisers). So while your frustration is understandable, their reaction is kind of predictable, if a little heavy-handed.
Ask yourself if you want your son to be taught by teachers who seem to have a poor grip on Child Development 101. If they aren't willing to work with you, it may be the right time to look elsewhere. If they are, it's a "win-win" situation. The school takes a big step forward in how they handle kids, you get to avoid the hassle of looking for a new place and your little biter becomes a former biter!
Good Luck,
The Guidance Guy
